The funniest things Todd Chrisley has ever said

Oh, the joys of reality television. The genre that first became a phenomenon in the 1990s and 2000s with shows like the Real World, Survivor and American Idol, has grown into something much larger and wide-ranged than ever before. It seems like America just can’t get enough of peeking inside the lives of others, especially those who are members of the privileged upper class. This is probably why there have been so many reality TV shows based on the lives of wealthy families for the last several years, we just can’t look away! The early 2000s blessed us with the incredible chaos of the famous Osbourne family, followed by the non-stop drama of the now even more wealthy and famous, Kardashian clan. Both of the shows gave viewers a chance to see what living the “good life” is “truly” like.

If you haven’t heard of reality TV’s newest favorite family, the Chrisleys, then you might as well have been living under a rock. And yes, we know what you are thinking. Is another family reality TV show really what America needs right now?


Typically, we would agree that there’s no need for another reality star family, but Chrisley Knows Best is in a whole other ballpark. While usually, the idea of listening to a middle-aged man rant for 25 minutes in a Southern drawl seems like a bit of a snooze, trust us when we say that Todd Chrisley is anything but uninteresting.

Chrisley Knows Best premiered in March, 2014 on the USA Network. It focuses on the lives of the elite Chrisley family originally from Atlanta, Georgia. The family is made up of: Todd Chrisley, who has made all of his money in real estate business; his wife Julie; four of his  five children – Lindsie, Chase, Savannah, and Grayson (sans eldest son Kyle); his two grandchildren Chloe and Jackson; and his adorable, gambling-obsessed mother, Faye. Todd’s constant barrage of snappy one-liners puts other shows to shame and make for some pretty awesome viewing. From teaching his children important life lessons, to straight out calling them names, Todd is always making us laugh out loud with the stuff he comes up with.

Underneath all of his sarcasm and witty remarks, though, he is a father who truly loves his family.

Now let’s take a look at some of the best things Todd Chrisley has ever said.

Beyond the couch

“You can’t offer me the help I need. This right here is beyond couch time.”

One thing is certain about Todd, and that is that he is the king of biting comebacks. It seems as though in every situation, he always has a quick and snarky response. This is especially true when it comes to his children, who may try to offend him but always end up being served a sharp retort by their father. One such example: after disciplining Chase and Savannah for sneaking out of the house, his son replies “You need help” and this lovely quote above was how Todd replied.

New family members

“Look at the new members of our family.”

When Todd’s 24-year-old daughter Lindsie came home from a breast augmentation, the disapproving father welcomed her home with a cake shaped like two giant breasts and said the above quote, referring to her new “assets” the newest family members. Although he did not approve of the surgery, at least he found a way to find humor in the situation, something that he is known for doing.

Nothing sane about them

“You couldn’t stage our crazy.”

By now, we all are well aware that most reality TV shows out there are scripted to some degree. However, when Todd was asked about just how real Chrisley Knows Best is, he assured the reporter that there is absolutely nothing fake about the show. He said that everything we see on screen, from the love to the quarrels, is 100% real. And yes, he admitted that his family is just naturally crazy.

From Heidi to Amy

“You went in your bedroom looking like Heidi Klum and you came out looking like Amy Winehouse.”

Todd has shown us time and time again, that he does not really have a filter. He definitely is not one to shy away from speaking the honest truth, even if it comes out as a little harsh. And this is what we love about him! We all know he adores his children very much, but when he said the above quote to Savannah as she entered the kitchen sporting a giant bun on top of her head, we couldn’t help but laugh out loud.

Learning an important life lesson

“What happens at 4 o’clock in the morning, you’re reminded of 9 months later.”

In another famous “did he really just say that?” moment of Todd’s, he said the above quote to his children Savannah and Chase while trying to teach them a life lesson about making smart decisions. Savannah then proceeds to turn to her brother and tell him that he was the first “mistake.” True, Todd’s parenting techniques are at times a bit unconventional, but at the end of the day he is just looking out for them!

Bye bye

“Once you get grown and gone we are gonna start living our life.”

In another typical Todd Chrisley comeback to his daughter Savannah, he replied with the perfect snappy response above after she told him he was going to “die alone and miserable” after he took away her cell phone. Todd actually deserves an award for this epic quote – is he not just saying what every parent of an overly dramatic teenager truly thinks?

Some people are beyond help

“Ignorance I can fix, stupid is forever.”

Ahh, another one of Todd’s famous words of wisdom. We could really learn a lot from this guy – or can we? Actually, this famous quote from the show isn’t 100% Todd’s original words, it is actually a take on Don Wood’s quote, “Stupid is forever, ignorance can be fixed.” However, with Todd’s incredible Southern drawl, we are pretty sure he can make everything sound way more hilarious.

A love for Botox

“Botox is the only thing that hasn’t let me down in this family.”

The fact that Todd gets Botox comes up frequently in the show. Todd is proud of his Botox, but it does get in the way every now and then. For example, when he is trying to be a disciplinary figure, but his children can’t tell if he is mad or not. His lack of facial expressions also is what makes his one-liners so much better though… he can say pretty much everything with a straight face. Now that’s a gift if you ask us.

Crazy nanny

“My mother has lost her mind. She ain’t opening no bed and breakfast. She needs to go to bed and have breakfast. That’s her bed and breakfast. Not anything else.”

What would the show be like without the adorable and hilarious gambling queen Nanny Faye? We are pretty sure it wouldn’t be nearly as entertaining without Nanny’s sassy remarks. This great quote was said by Todd about his lovely mother, who was inviting random people into her house via Airbnb in order to make some extra money for her gambling.

Run away

“I don’t really need to run. Only other time I was running was leaving my first wife.”

Todd doesn’t have the healthiest diet, to say the least. His favorite food is anything fried and he doesn’t exercise. He doesn’t even drink water because he “hates” it. When Todd’s doctor tells him he has high blood pressure and needs to eat better and work out more, he mentions that the last time he ran was from his first wife (Teresa Terry). Ouch, nice one Todd.. but really, we are concerned about your health.

Shopping spree

“If I could take your pain away, I’d give it to your mother and you and me would go shopping.”

When Todd’s younger daughter Savannah was in a serious car crash that left her with a broken vertebrae, it was of course no laughing matter. Every parent knows that seeing your child in pain is not easy. But Todd was quick to make his daughter laugh by saying the above, probably honest, words.

Protective father

“You’ve got Savannah looking like she’s about to work a corner.”

Why are Todd’s best quotes often about his younger daughter Savannah? According to him, he is just an overprotective father who cares about his little girl. Not that Todd is the best in giving fashion advice, but the man did have a point when Savannah walked out with a much too small and revealing dress for her Miss High School beauty pageant. He offers to step in as her pageant coach, which according to Savannah is like “having no coach at all.”

Like a rerun

“I’ve been there, done that, got the T-shirt. You’re just playin’ reruns.”

If you are thinking of fooling Todd, think again. This is one man who cannot be fooled. According to these great words that he said to his children, he has been around the block and he is well aware of all the tricks in the book, probably because he played them all at one point or another. And come on, let’s be real…nobody likes a bad rerun.

Katy’s #1 fan

“I wish I had some Katy Perry. Katy just puts me in a good mood.”

What makes Todd the coolest dad ever? He is totally not ashamed to admit that his favorite singer is Katy Perry, because come on… she just puts him in a good mood. And let’s be honest, who doesn’t love to sing along to Katy Perry while driving in the car. She also seems to be the only one able to put this grumpster in a good mood, and well, that is really something!

Miss Prada Patty

“Quit looking in the mirror, Prada Patty!”

Once again we are asking ourselves- how does Todd even think of these things? Does he just have a pile of witty one-liners and sayings stocked away somewhere in his head for safekeeping? He should actually consider trademarking some of this stuff because it is pure gold. Of course, this snide comment was said to his daughter Savannah, who tends to be the other end of most of Todd’s snappy remarks. And again, her daddy dearest does have a point.. she does love looking at herself in the mirror.

King of the house

“We don’t have to agree. If I don’t like it that’s all that matters.”

Todd often prides himself in being the “perfect patriarch” of the Chrisley family. In his house he is the king, and what he says goes, end of story. Well, at least he wishes it could actually be that way. In reality, his kids don’t always follow the king’s orders and when they don’t, Todd is not pleased.. although it is hard to tell with all of his Botox.

Mr. Confident

“I’m breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert twice a week.”

One thing Todd is all about? Confidence. And he has a whole lot of it. When his daughter Savannah tells her father that he thinks he is “all that and a bag of chips”, he obviously outdoes her in typical Todd Chrisley fashion by saying that he thinks he is a whole lot more. While some think he needs a bit of an attitude adjustment, we think others could learn from his awesome confidence.

Brutally honest

“Take a step back or get a Tic Tac.”

Look at that, he even rhymes! Love him or hate him, one thing you can always count on Todd for is the honest, sometimes brutal, truth. If you can’t handle it? Well, it doesn’t matter because Todd will give it anyways. Even when it’s directed towards his own daughter, like in this case. The Chrisley children must be immune by now to all the harsh truth that has been served to them over the years.

Burn of the century

“It must be frustrating to make as much noise as you make and still go unnoticed, you got irrelevant mastered.”

Burn! Talk about some major shade thrown by yours truly, Mr. Todd Chrisley. This quote came directly from his immensely popular Twitter page, where he posts some of his best stuff by the way and has 373 thousand followers. While we don’t know who this delightful shade is aimed at, we have a feeling that they won’t be talking trash about Todd anytime soon.

Dad of the year

“There ain’t nothing open after midnight except legs and the E.R. and he’s going to stay out of both of them.”

And the father of the year award officially goes to… Todd Chrisley! He deserves this award for always telling it as it is to his children, in this case his older son Chase. He is just one bag filled with words to live by. But again we want to know, how did he think of this? Is it possible for someone to be this clever. Mr. Chrisley knows what teenage boys minds are up to, and he is not going to let his son make the same mistakes he did…